Good
relationships by definition, involve the experience of relating to others in a
way that is mutually beneficial. You could argue, that if the relationship is
not mutually beneficial, then perhaps the relationship is not healthy. Relationships
must be more than a state of being; it should be a healthy experience. This
means that when we act or think that the only beneficiary in a relationship
should be ourselves, we potentially put the emotional well-being of those
around us at risk. But haven’t we all been selfish at some point in your lives?
Yes we have!
But when being selfish becomes habitual and a core part of our character, then
we need to look at little further as to why we are behaving in such a way.
Being self-absorbed is not simply a way to ensure people do not abuse of our
kindness, it is actually the process of ensuring that no one can receive our
kindness! Even if you do not fall into the category of being self-absorbed or
selfish, it is helpful to regularly check yourself against the following
character traits that are often the most destructive in relationships. Many
people, genuinely love their friends, family, husbands and wives but are
struggling with these traits. Perhaps by reading further, you might be able to
save a relationship that means so much to you.
Narcissism is often camouflaged as
self-confidence and strong-willed. There is nothing wrong with self-confidence
or having a strong will. However, demonstrating our confidence and will, we
must consider others. Narcissism in essence, is when we are so convinced and obsessed
with our own competence or attributes, that any sense of failure must be
attributed to others. Even when we are wrong, we find ways to ensure we are
perceived as being right. A narcissist will often override the will and
opinions of others, in order to ensure their will is enforced. It must be
noted, that some people who display narcissistic behaviour are actually trying
to guard the heart from pain or avoid conflict. They are often people that have
lost confidence in others and need to preserve their own reputation and ego. It
is important that we take the time to identify the core reason behind this kind
of behaviour.
Machiavellianism is
a cold and calculated attempt to maintain personal gratification. Proponents
are normally duplicitous and will seek to go through the motions of a
relationship without necessarily being emotional or committed. The ‘end always
justifies the means’. There tends to be no moral code or appreciation for the
feelings of others and feel no sense of concern when walking away from a
relationship. A machiavellian will engage in a relationship but with the sole objective of
using the relationship as a stepping stone to promotion or attainment.
Sometimes, politicians and those in the business sector are dubbed as being machiavellian
because of their single-minded and ruthless nature. However, people are not generally born this
way, they become who they are. In my experience of counselling people in
relationships, I realise that this trait is often borne out of persistent
failure, either in employment or relationships. For most of our lives we will
work and be in some form of relationship. When it appears that others are
succeeding at our expense, we can lose faith in being morally bound and ask
ourselves, “do nice people really get the best out of life?” The fear of not
achieving in life can cause individuals to become a machiavellian.
Sociopathy is
a form of behaviour that can be destructive and anti-social. There are times
when sociopaths unintentionally demonstrate a lack of empathy and personal
responsibility. They find it difficult to be self-aware and to understand the
impact of their behaviour on other people. They tend to consider what is best
for themselves and will often make decisions without consulting others they are
in relationship with. Sociopaths generally struggle to maintain good
relationships and despite their best efforts, will tend to exasperate those they
are in relationship with. However, it is important to understand that
sociopathy, in many cases is a personality disorder, which means that it will
require therapy to instigate a new way of thinking and to address emotional and
psychological root causes. Sociopaths generally believe they are doing right
when in fact, they are doing wrong. Sometimes the reason for this mental
distortion is linked to a lack of genuine love in their lives and their
subsequent inability to receive and give love. Therefore their interpretation
of love is distorted.
Relationships can be great! But it is
important to have regular check- ups and self analysis. We all have key moments
where we need the help of others in our lives. No one is beyond hope and if you
think there may be more behind your selfishness, then perhaps you have already
taken the first steps towards wholeness. Me, me, me is never better that ‘us,
us. us’.
Till your next relationship MOT!
Noel McLean
Twitter: NoelMcLeanUK
